Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.