me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Otters see a butterfly.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
🙄😏😂🤣