I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever