If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
bury ourselves
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse