Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.