I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
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me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
From Facebook just now…
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
2022: I can fix it
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.