Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?