I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
You Might Also Like
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.