Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.