Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Cause of death: Zumba
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone