Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Hit me in the face with a bird
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China