“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
figuring out my emotional availability:
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.