Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
You Might Also Like
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.