Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed