friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
water it, i dare you
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.