Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no