[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You Might Also Like
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I hope it’s French Onion!
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.