People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The first one, obviously
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
The biggest mystery of our time
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.