My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
You Might Also Like
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not