I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
he was correct
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”