(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
You Might Also Like
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.