“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
🤣🤣🤣
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.