[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
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If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]