This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Netflix: We have Less
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”