Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
OH. COME. ON.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?