Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
thanksgiving in nutshell
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.