[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
A great tip. #CakeRex
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed