The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
You Might Also Like
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
one last job
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when