[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
You Might Also Like
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
We’ve all been there
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.