Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
You Might Also Like
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
felt that
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…