new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda