The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Banking tips
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
a fate I wish upon no one
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.