Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
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Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore