HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
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Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?