Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
You Might Also Like
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?