uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Best spot.. 😅
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.