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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?