I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
is this how new cars are made??
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids