Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
You Might Also Like
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
you stereotypes are all alike
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall