They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.