it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are