DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
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If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN