I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
You Might Also Like
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
🐕🍷
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.