DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.