Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
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Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.