Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
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All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging