3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
We need more people like this.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line