HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
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MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
School be like
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.