This came to me in a dream.
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
doing some research
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.