My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.